On Gang-Raping Hecklers.

In rebuttal to context!

I’m for it.

For clarity: If only one person rapes a Heckler, it doesn’t reinforce within the Heckler that their behavior is abhorrent enough to drive normal non-raping people to sexual violence as social punishment. The doubt surfaces within the Heckler that perhaps this rapist was an actual rapist, and was going to violate me regardless of my egregious public behavior.

To really penetrate the unfathomably dense social ego of the Heckler, they must be repeatedly and brutally traumatized in as many orifices nature permits, both simultaneously and later sequentially as exhaustion and breaks for bottled water will require, by at least five or more people of varying phallus size and swarthiness; a jury of one’s rapeful peers. This cements within the Heckler a concept of their Heckling as literally turning the wide scope of lawn-mowing, laugh-having American into a Somalian “Now This is What I Call Total War Vol. 4” Rape Squadron. The Heckler rationalizes the truth: that these particular stand-up comedy show gang-rapists had no other recourse to the act of Heckling but to violently gang-rape the source of the Heckling.

Perhaps the Heckler will decide to never again Heckle. Perhaps the Heckler will decide a Somalian Rape Squadron is the only way to get one’s Heckling rocks off from now on. In the latter case, I just found my next crazy bitch soulmate. Regardless, no one gives a flying fuck at a rolling donut how a Heckler rationalizes having their shit handed to them.

The person we give a flying fuck at a rolling donut about is the performer, Daniel Tosh. I’m not as huge a fan of Daniel Tosh as I am of gang rape, but rumors of his apology on the Twitter.com profoundly disappoint me. Daniel Tosh is a cock-sucker.

In light of the sensitivity of an audience that might require convincing of a good old Atticus Finch-style gang rape for a Heckler, I should define the stark difference between sucking a cock and being a cock-sucker. To suck a cock is a fabulous thing, I would project, but to be a cock-sucker is to exhibit behavior antithetical of the age-old deed of sucking a cock, like apologizing for suggesting five people gang-rape an awful human being in the heat of that villain’s awfulness.

Daniel Tosh should apologize for not suggesting ten people gang-rape that Heckler.

To compensate for his particular brand of cock-sucking in this regard, I’ve struck up a petition to have the woman who Heckled Daniel Tosh gang-raped by five people (men, women, or transgender), selected by lottery from national voter registration polls. Raping equipment deemed necessary by selected gang-rapists, such as dildos, broomsticks, Coca-Cola® bottles, sex change operations, and other accommodations will be provided at the Heckler’s expense. Selected gang-rapists will be required to meet certain physical standards for the performance of the gang rape, including but not limited to standing for long periods of time, lifting objects in weight exceeding forty pounds, and possessing an independent method of punctual arrival to the site of the gang rape.

Try to think of it as the sexiest jury duty you've ever had.

Click right fucking here to sign my damn petition now.